


The One Thing You Can’t Replace

by Offended_dot_png



Category: DanPlan, John Mulaney - Fandom, actuallyoddplan
Genre: Based off a comedy routine, DanPlan - Freeform, Gen, High School AU, Humor, LOTS of Underage Drinking, Party, john mulaney - Freeform, well I think it’s funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23483995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Offended_dot_png/pseuds/Offended_dot_png
Summary: Hosuh reminisces. Based on the John Mulaney skit!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	The One Thing You Can’t Replace

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The One Thing You Can’t Replace](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/578566) by John Mulaney. 



> Gracing the earth with yet another one of my sleep-starved ideas! This story is based off John Mulaney’s stand up act, “The One Thing You Can’t Replace”. A link to his performance will be at the end. Some artistic liberty was taken, especially the computer part, as I don’t want to describe someone taking a shit :/

An old man sat by a crackling fire in a cozy cottage, staring into the space outside his window. He lifted a yearbook from his lap once again, taking a breath before flipping to a bookmarked page, decorated with youthful smiles and rebellious scowls. God bless the cameraman who took all their photos. 

Hosuh giggled fondly at a certain memory of his final year in school, one that was sure to stick for the rest of his life.

^^ 30 years before ^^

“Stephen, stop being a twat and give me my backpack!” Jay shouted at his purple-haired friend. He started to jump on Stephen’s taller form, reaching for his backpack in vain. “I fucking hate you!”

Stephen laughed at Jay’s attempts to get his property back, only lifting the bag higher in the air to taunt him, waving it like a flag. “If you want it, you should grow a bit taller!”

At that point, Jay was tired of his failure, as well as Hosuh, who had almost been caught in the crossfire a few times. He took a step back before practically pouncing on Stephen, sending both seniors to the ground. They wrestled for a bit, Hosuh fighting the urge to laugh while trying to split them up, before Jay finally got the upper hand and pinned Stephen down. 

“Who’s the strongest, huh? Who?”

“You!”

Jay scoffed in between giggles, joining the other two boys in their laughter. “You’re damn right.” As a show of victory, he grabbed his backpack from the cement, as it had been cast aside during their fight. He stood on his feet and offered a hand to Stephen, who sighed in defeat and accepted the help up. 

“What did I just see?” A low voice asked from behind them.

Hosuh was the first to turn around, and when he did, a small smile graced his face. It was Daniel Lim, son of the infamous asshole calculus teacher Mr. Lim. His son was considerably nicer, a grin always on his face. “Don’t mind these idiots, Dan; they’re trying to see who can be the most obnoxious. What do you need?”

Daniel looked to the two boys at Hosuh’s side, still pushing each other around, and chuckled in a mix of nervousness and genuine amusement. “Well, my parents are gonna be out of town for a week, so I’m throwing a party this Saturday at 9. Believe it when I say it’ll be the most legendary party ever!” 

The silver-crowned senior considered his statement. He didn’t doubt the party would be fun, but anything thrown by a sophomore could only dream to top the famous parties started by upperclassmen. “Yeah, we’ll definitely be there. You’re still at that castle at Lakeland Drive, right?”

Dan pulled back out of feigned surprise. “It is not a castle! Just a very large apartment. And yeah, we’re still there. Feel free to bring some other kids.”

“I will. See you Saturday, dude.” They waved at each other before Daniel left for home. Hosuh turned back to Jay and Stephen, who were smirking in that way they always did when they have a plan. “We aren’t killing Daniel.”

“W- no, that’s not what we’re thinking!” Jay defended them. “Look, all I’m saying is Mr. Lim is a giant dick, and this bash may be the perfect time to get a bit of revenge.”

“Who says ‘bash’ anymore? What are you, an 1800’s noble?” Stephen asked, crossing his arms as the trio walked towards the buses. 

“It’s a perfectly good word!”

Hosuh didn’t want another fight to break out in the middle of the walkway, so he added his own question. “What kind of revenge are we talking? I’m cool with vandalism, but assault is where I draw the line.”

Jay rolled his eyes at how unwilling his friend was to do crimes. “Just mess the place up a bit, y’know? We won’t do anything too illegal.”

“Fine. But if there’s a body by the end of the night, I know exactly who to blame.”

Stephen held out his pinkie. “You have our word: nothing stupid.”

“Deal.” All three students hooked their pinkie fingers together before splitting off to catch their buses.

^^ some insanely late time, like 8 pm or something ^^

Throughout the afternoon, Hosuh had been thinking over his plans for Dan’s party. They had a few mutual friends, like Bella and Jo, so he figured they would be told the news soon enough, but Ann definitely had to know about it. And what to wear? Formal wear didn’t seem appropriate for some high school party, but neither did jeans and a t-shirt. He decided to put off the more personal details until Saturday- oh god, only two more days- and went right to calling Ann.

The phone rang, speaker being turned on so all the spiders in the corner of Hosuh’s room could hear his conversation.

Finally, the soft-spoken girl picked up. “Hey Hosuh! Is this about the bio homework? ‘Cause if so, I’m not the girl to call- I’m totally fucking lost.” 

“Ha, it’s not that. Daniel’s throwing a party this Saturday at 9, and I assumed you didn’t know yet.” Truthfully, he really didn’t understand the biology worksheet, but he’d call Jay for stuff like that. “Wanna be my ~plus one~?”

Sue scoffed and turned over to lie on her stomach. “When you say it like that, it sounds too romantic, but I’ll come with.”

“Perfect. Should we, like, meet up beforehand or just hope we see each other when we get there?”

“How about I come by your place at 8:30? If you’ve got makeup and booze, I’m there.” Hosuh could practically hear her grin through the phone.

“I’ve got none of those things.”

“Well then, I guess there’ll be no party for us.”

They shared a laugh, moving on to other topics, their plans already confirmed. Eventually, 9:30 rolled around and Ann made the decision to go. “I’ll talk to ya later, Hos; I’ve got a test first period tomorrow.”

“Aight, good luck.”

As soon as the call ended, Ann got straight to work. She texted A-Jay about the event, who texted Jamie, them then calling Mona and Shai, before the news finally reached Pau and Ivu. Each of them shared the same thought:

“Okay, lets go over there and destroy the place.”

^^ Saturday night ^^

They hadn’t even made it to the front door and already the stench of alcohol was heavy in the air. Ann and Hosuh shared a glance, the former gripping Hosuh’s hand tight. 

“Does nobody have any restraint?” She asked sarcastically.

“I guess not. Like, I get it’s a high school party and all, but I kinda figured that movies were exaggerating how smashed everyone gets.” Hosuh wasn’t one to judge; at a sleepover at Jay’s place the month before, he’d blacked out after chugging three cans of beer. Not his proudest moment.

“We are doomed to portray our stereotypes.”

“Shut up about philosophy.” Ann giggled at his annoyance, already anticipating she’d get even more on his nerves in the coming hours.

Finally, they arrived at a large oak door, a bronze doorknob urging them to open it. Hosuh gripped the knob and turned it, opening the dam for all new scents. He already felt drunk from breathing in the air.

The pair came face-to-face with the host, Daniel, dressed in jean shorts and a black hoodie. Hosuh suddenly felt overdressed in a gray button-down and black skinny jeans. “Guys, c’mon in, Stephen’s on the couch waiting.” 

They followed him in, marveling at the tall ceilings and bright lights. Of course, after taking a second to let the scenery sink in, Hosuh went straight to where he knew the cans of beer would be. 

“Do I not even get a ‘hi’?” Stephen asked sarcastically, taking a sip of some sort of half-assed vodka concoction. Yeah, getting to say hello to his friend would be nice, but so would getting to laugh at him as he made a drunk ass of himself. With a voice toned with laughter, he said “don’t go too crazy, man!”

^^ After drugs ^^

Soon enough, Hosuh found himself in the center of a crowd of onlookers, all staring at a boy by the banister. Through blurry vision, he recognized that shouting man as Jay.

The blond took a running start down the steps. In a flurry of panic, Hosuh yelled “what the hell are you-?”

He was answered with loud cheers and the cringe-inducing sound of wood splintering and fabric tearing. Merely two meters in front of him, almost two feet from the closest onlooker, lay Jay in a pile of what used to be a pool table. Loud laughter escaped Hosuh’s mouth, which was wide open from shock, joined by the kids around him. His incredibly smart and sober friend stood up on a pair of shaky legs, whimpering a little as bruises already began to set in. Hosuh tried making his way upfront to help him, but was blocked by a group of impressed kids trying to ask why he did it and if Jay could break other things.

The silver-haired boy just watched as he was carried upstairs on the shoulders of the entire wrestling team. 

Not wanting to keep standing around, staring at the thoroughly destroyed pool table, Hosuh trailed behind the wrestlers, taking a different path when snickering caught his attention. He walked- read: stumbled- down the mostly quiet hallway, stopping at an open door. Inside was what looked like a fancy bedroom, a large red-sheeted bed set against a wall, surrounded by all sorts of well-kept furniture. 

What caught his eye was the group of three girls near an open laptop. 

Ann and two other pink-headed girls were crowded around the computer, ones he recognized as Pau and Mona. They were giggling so intensely that he feared their lungs would give out. Ann pulled a green plastic bag from her coat pocket, only laughing harder as she untied the knot. Again, Hosuh was drawn to the contents of the bag that were soon dumped on the keyboard. Dog poop. Very classy.

He jumped behind the open door as the trio came out, looking left and right to ensure nobody had seen them. A sigh of relief escaped him when they left the hallway. Hosuh stumbled out from behind the door, barely sobering up from what he would call a traumatic experience, already determined to find Daniel. His dad might be an asshole who low key deserved to have his computer shit on, but he also didn’t want Daniel to get in trouble. Looking back, Hosuh realizes that the computer situation was just icing on the “I threw a massive party without telling you” cake.

As the sounds of talking and screaming got louder, Hosuh took another swig of beer from a red cup he’d randomly picked up. He really wasn’t looking forward to swimming through the sea of drunk toddlers sober. So, while taking larger then needed sips, he kept his eyes peeled for a head of bright green hair. It was surprisingly difficult, as an unprecedented amount of students had dyed hair. 

Soon enough, the sophomore was found hitting on some junior girl in Hosuh’s painting class. He took a deep breath and prepped himself for having to deal with a similarly drunk teenager. 

“Dan! C’mere a second!” He waved his arms overhead, catching Dan’s attention. A pang of annoyance went through him as Daniel rolled his gray eyes. 

He mumbled something to the girl, who Hosuh later recalled as Rei, before dragging himself over. “What the hell d’ya want?” Daniel asked, obviously unhappy. 

“Someone put-“

Once again Hosuh got cut off by loud shouting. Before taking in what Jamie was yelling about, he pondered why he always stopped himself short of talking, but found there wasn’t much time for ruminating as one word punched him in the face:

“Police.”

In a brilliant moment of word association, the normally quiet kid crushed the red cup in his hand and yelled “FUCK DA POLICE!” He paused to take a breath, also giving everyone else a chance to stare, before bellowing again “fuck da police!”

A chorus of a hundred voices slandering police officers resounded throughout the musty basement, freshmen and seniors alike shouting the iconic phrase. Some were so moved that they joined hands with other kids and shouted even louder. However, the faint tapping of boots of wood cut into all their ears, an officer showing his presence at the bottom of the steps. Despite this, their fun was not to be ended.

The man stared at the large group shouting “fuck da police!” practically in his face. Some anger swelled in him, sure, perhaps even some fear, but mostly awe beat in his heart. Hosuh relished the impressed expression on his face, yelling louder in a brainless attempt to scare him off. 

“Get the paddy wagon.”

Only one pair of sharp ears noticed: Jay Ko. Hosuh watched with inspiration as he held the alcohol bottle above his head, smashed it on the ground, and yelled at the top of his lungs “SCATTER!”

The pattering of two hundred feet drowned out any commands the policeman could’ve been giving. It didn’t matter to Hosuh, as he was too busy running from the scene and avoiding the darting bodies in his way. Noticing too many people running to the front door, where surely a whole squad of police cars would be waiting, he dashed to where he knew an open window would be, making his only smart decision that night.

The laundry room greeted him, a high priced washing machine and dryer sitting right below his target: the slim window to the backyard. He had to use all of his pre-hangover strength to climb on the machines, foot slipping a few times and sending him back to the floor. Once he finally got on top, he squeezed through the crack and landed on his palms in the grass. 

It would surely make for some aching wrists the next day, but anything was worth escaping the confines of The Man. 

Well, admittedly hungover Hosuh wouldn’t agree, but it sounded cool to drunk Hosuh. 

A chain-linked fence stopped him momentarily. He took a second to consider his next choice, though felt the pressure rising as footsteps neared. With a confident breath and running start, he said “I’ve never climbed a fence this high before!” Hosuh ju-

And then he woke up at home. 

The weekend passed in a blur of ginger ale and lying about where he’d been Friday. Missing family dinner was considered somewhat of a sin in the Lee household, so he had to choose his excuses carefully. “Sleeping over at Stephen’s” wouldn’t work for such a faux pas. Eventually, after a long while of putting his three not-fried brain cells to work, he came up with a barely passable excuse about a study session.

The teenager laid in his bed on Sunday night, trying to recall the prior events with not much success. He figured he’d probably hear about it through some embarrassing pictures on The Social Media and finally drifted off to sleep. 

Monday came, full of anticipation about the gossip that would inevitably come. Hosuh rode the bus- somehow still feeling the effects of his hangover- unloaded by the school gate, and met up with Stephen and Jay.

“Ah, Mr. Cat-fucker himself!” Jay called. It drew the attention of some passing students, who all had the same expression of “Jesus fucking Christ”.

“W- the fuck do you mean?!” He replied, exasperated. “I didn’t go down on a cat!” 

“The Social Media begs to differ,” Stephen interjected, already starting to pull out his phone. As Hosuh walked over to them, dread grew in his stomach at what he would find, planning to only look for a second before bolting away. 

The light of the screen grabbed his attention, and before he knew it, Hosuh was staring directly at Rick Astley. No cats in sight. 

“I hate you both. With all of my being, a loathe you.” His speech went unnoticed by the shrieking boys, bodies bent over from laughing so hard. Still, paranoia beat in his heart. “But, you guys are 100% sure Dan’s cat is alright?”

Stephen took a breath to calm himself and shook his head. “Yes Hosuh; as far as I am concerned, no cats were fucked.”

Hosuh breathed a sigh of relief just as Daniel came up to the trio. Unlike last time they were approached by his smiling face, this time he had on a determined look. Nervousness was apparent behind his eyes. 

“Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” He sheepishly asked. While Jay and Stephen found him a bit obnoxious, Hosuh took pity on how afraid he appeared. That didn’t make him a better person though.

Hosuh replied “no”. You know, like a liar.

Jay gave him a questioning glance, as if to say “are you brain dead? He knows you were there!” The silver-haired student just kept up the charade, hoping beyond hope that Daniel got too wasted to remember.

“Things got really out of hand... someone broke the pool table.”

This drew another reaction from the blond, who barely lifted his mouth into a smirk. Hosuh had to stop himself from kicking him in the balls.

“Someone smeared dog shit on my dad’s computer.”

Now that almost made the three seniors giggle. They restrained themselves for both Daniel’s sake and Hosuh’s, as they didn’t want to give away the fact that Hosuh knew who did it. He doubted his choice to tell his two closest friends about the incident less and less. 

“But the worst thing... the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother, and my parents are freaking out about it.” 

Then Hosuh had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have:

“Did-“ He caught his worlds before he could say his question out loud, instead thinking to himself ‘did I do that?‘

A moment of rationalizing and exchanged stares later, he figured ‘no. I wouldn’t have done that.’

Stephen sighed and said “well, we’ve gotta get to class. Don’t put too much shit in your body, man; you’re too little to have your liver taken out.” Daniel was about to retort, but Stephen turned on his heel and walked away, followed by Jay. Hosuh gave a meek smile, a wave, and trailed behind the two. 

The incident stuck with him through class and resurfaced at graduation, when Ann was discussing the stuff that went down that night. Hosuh did manage to get one piece of the puzzle of his experience out of her: he had apparently broken a lava lamp. This wasn’t the end of this tale, though, as he had dumped the contents of said lamp on himself before running up and down the basement stairs. 

“You were like a dog without a horse,” Ann commented.

“What kind of comparison is that?”

As college began, slowly seeping into every aspect of his life, the incident was slowly forgotten. Taking a break from intense study sessions one afternoon, Hosuh went to Jocat’s apartment just across the road, intent on wasting the day angrily yelling at NPCs. 

“Hosuh!” Jocat yelled when the sophomore knocked at his door. They exchanged a hug, some simple greetings, and ran immediately to the PlayStation. Hours passed, full of mediocre snacks, a can or two of beer, and- predictably- angry shouting. That was, until Jo cut through the banter.

“Hey, come here: I want to show you something.”

Hosuh put their game on pause and stood to follow him. The pair walked with purpose down a hallway, going past the bathroom and linen closet right to Jo’s room. “Nice little den you got here,” Hosuh complimented. He appreciated the animal-oriented decor, mostly modeled after different types of wild cats. 

“Thanks man, but that’s not what I want you to see.” Hosuh questioned what he meant by that internally, getting especially confused when his friend opened what he assumed to be a closet and walked inside, as if it was a door leading to his backyard.

Upon entering, Hosuh went through a mild version of the stages of grief when he took in the walls.

The small room was covered entirely in antique photos, most portraying people, some portraying animals, and an occasional selection showing gorgeous landscapes. Admittedly, the picture of the hooker in a clown costume kinda ruined the room’s vibe. He would’ve found it rather beautiful- excluding the hooker- if Hosuh didn’t know that Jo couldn’t afford to have all these printed professionally.

“The hell is this?! Where did you get these pictures?” Hosuh asked accusingly. All Jo did was smirk and take a wistful glance around the room. 

“Whenever we were invited to those parties back in high school, I’d go off and do a bit of snooping. I’d always walk away with a photo or two, kinda like a keepsake!”

He considered the reply for a minute. But why take the picture of a hooker? Then another thought popped in his head. “Well, why’d you steal from Dan? You guys are friends!”

Jo paced about the floor. “Relax; I steal your underwear all the time.”

Alright, that was a pretty good diversion. All Hosuh could think to ask was “why? Why do you do this?”

The brown-haired man turned with too much enthusiasm for Hosuh’s liking, obviously wanting to use this phrase for a while. “Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.”

**Author's Note:**

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0dbJHppgrHc  
> It’s not a rickroll this time


End file.
